The top
shelf of my dorm room closet is dedicated to stationary.
I
brought four boxes of it from home, without a second thought. I second guessed
myself when I was unpacking in front of my mother, her eyebrows going higher
and higher and her mouth twitching in amusement.
“Uh, I
didn’t mean to pack so much stationary” I said, handing the box of embarrassing
Santa Claus Christmas cards back to her, “Better take those home. Um, but I’ll
keep the rest of it. I will use this stationary. I will.”
I will.
Last
summer, I wrote lots of letters. Many were thank-you letters. I poured my
gratitude into little polka dot cards, somehow turning “thank you for the
graduation gift” into a page of cramped text. I talked happily of my college
plans, and I usually ended the letter thanking them also for their encouragement.
Other
letters were just notes to friends. I wrote about the things I did that week
and the reasons I liked them. My cursive spilled over the margins of the page.
My post scripts included post post scripts. I never wrote the letters that I
knew my friends deserved. I could not write that much. My time was scarce. My
letters were too few to illustrate how I valued them. Some friends I’ve yet to
write to. It became a game of guilt; every time I wrote to a new friend I
seemed to be leaving another very important one out. I told myself it was okay. One letter was better than zero letters.
So of
course I brought my stationary to college.
I left
so many friends at home. I still have so many people to thank.
I
brought it almost hoping that my intent
to write letters would be enough, that my friends would always know how much I
missed them, that my family would write back to me regularly, that the people I
meant to thank would feel my gratitude. Time is scarce here at college. Who
would’ve thought? And letters take a lot of it.
I’ve
written two so far, I think.
And I
used notebook paper.
I don’t
have as many letter-writing fantasies now, and I’m not disappointed in myself.
I’m still
glad I brought my stationary, though. I won’t use it often. Won’t expect that.
Won’t plan for it.
But I
will use it.
I will.
